i n d e p e n d e n c e

2006-04-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

urggh

i think there shld b a device tt allows us to see when our friends have actually blogged again haha ( guess this applies more to me =þ)

im really free now sometimes, at least in the mornings before i go to work, such that i roam the house restlessly looking for housework to do can you believe that???

sigh. really miss going back to school. like what i tagged in jac's blog, it's the freedom of being NOT responsible for anybody, esp your work ( regardless of teaching, admin, data entry) well you dont have to be able to answer to anyone but yourself... geesh dont we all miss that. that's the irony of things : when we are in school, we wish like hell to get out of that mousey-grey confinement and head out beyond the barb-wired-gates-with-a-hole-at-the-bottom. but when we ARE out in the world, we wish to go back to being a student. ha ha ha. i miss skipping lessons and hiding in the com lab playing little fighter or bridging in class. i really miss everyone, all my girls. alot. very much alot.

speaking of irony, e more you love someone and cant bear to let go, the more he hurts you with a vengence. hey relax this isnt regardin my current state of romance ok, well was just feeling sad for the recent events in the love lives of my girls. sigh. love. pre-historic double-edged sword. age-old problem.

2006-04-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

finally

ok finally ive blogged..aft like 3 mths..but dis period reli reli horible and sucky and ive soo much to say over the three mths so ill slowly like update them later alrite?

e suckiest thing that had happened so far was of cos, getting fired and then havin to find another job..it took me 2 wks worth of running here and there...had 14 interviews oh man..i dont think any of you here would actually understand how discouraging and terrible it is, to send out your resume to like 100 comapnies and positions ( im not kiddin abt e no.) , and waiting and waiting for their replies...it's like dey dun even bother to tell you whether youre "OUT" or "UNDER CONSIDERATION" . trust me guys, when it comes to finding a job nxt time, what counts aint your acad qualifications. nope, not your first class honours, ur MBa, PhD, PSC scholarships or wadeva, but your work experience + if the employer likes you + whether you're cheap to hire . e.g. i applied for position of a general clerk at TUAS, so bloody desperate was i to get a job that i actually considered workin at a construction site even as a clerk, but they hired a N lvl fat n obese and super super ugly ( omg i reli cant describe her, she looks like tt ms turnbull in mathilda ) . in short, the two wks worth of running here n there reli blew my whatever -little -self -esteem -and confidence- left -aft -e "you're fired" -episode to smithereens. KA -BOOM just like that. so pls, dont complain abt how boring / tiring your jobs are, because its reli reli reli v lucky and fortunate to feel a sense of security a stable job gives. btw, im workin as a telemarketeer selling insurance now, earning like $60 / mth basic?

like hell, im fucking pissed now.

2006-01-09T17:34:00.000-08:00

Difficult times

mon, first day of sch aft e wkend, was bad. by "bad", it aint 'gd" or "dunno lorx" or wadvea stupid replies e kids give tt show tt they havent been listening, not interested in my lessons, not willing to learn, or my lessons hav been a failure not to stir up any reactions in e kids. honestli i rather c dem chattin away to another then to c their heads down, polishing their rulers or doodling on their papers, or givin me tt super glaze look tt obviously shows tt e soul has gone a -wondering. it's easier to move a stone wall den to get any response from dem ok. haix it's not i dunwan to give dem games/grp work or wad, but ive got schedules to keep to, lesson plans to make and follow while e HODs keep remindin us of various deadlines. i knoe they r ll tired n remainin attentive in a 70 min lesson aint easy..haix i dunno tink my lessons reli suck. in another 1, i tink my lessons r too diff n i suck at explainin again cos so many of them could not understand despite e various illustrations and examples i had given. trust me, hist is NOT easy to teach. wonder how val is faring over there. mayb its jus tt my lessons reli suck. now i understand how chan kim choo felt when he was teaching us geog in sec4, m reli reli very sorry. know how disheartening it is to c all of ur students blatantly sleeping/ doin hwk for other subjects etc.

to cap it all,i dunno why some ppl jus cant accept me for who im. in e past it was such tt ppl wanted to rear in my clubbin side i.e get me to b my guai n nerdy self again. however dis time around, sum ppl want me to b a show trophy, constantly remindin me with gentle hints like tuggin at e surplus fats on my tummy all e time, whispering " tink u shld go exercise", or proddin at e pimples on my face and crackin jokes abt my face being taken for target practise. you said tt i shld b more confident abt myself. how can i, if u choose to shred whatever few strands of self-confidence i have with such remarks? m i too sensitive girls? pls tell me if im reli too sensitive ok. looks like im doomed for eternity not to be able to be comfortable being who im e way i want to be. alw chafin under e expectations and being how they want me to be. it's reli tirin living a life jus to meet other ppl's expectations.

things hav reli not been going well.

all e long talks late into e night, all e thrashing sessions have either ended out with nth resolved. all talk, no action. e worthlessness of words. haix.

2006-01-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

OVERWHELMED.

ok this is to explain e prev post, my mp3 got stolen by sum f*ing person cos i left in in our rm. hope it's not any student, better to be sum construction worker or cleaner cos i reli dun wan 2 believe tt any students cld hav done tt, esp aft they keep waving and callin out to u with tt reli swt smiles on their faces. geez. my mum sort of comforted/ explained it w e theory of "karma", like i stole e person's thing in my prev life or sth, so well, it's retribution.hope tt e debt is paid n ive repaid all e injustice tt ive done u alrd! this theory may b hard 2 understand for val n cher ya.

aniwae, reli glad tt jac, haha u guys shld reli like c her now, she slips easily to a role of " 'cher" like a fish in water ok..woah i c her reli reli reli more commited n dedicated than ANYTHING before, not even e A's larx. anyway im reli proud to c u reli blossom out like tt haha :)

to cher n val, we reli havent forgotten ull ok, jus like ive left e tags at cher's board..m reli sorry for not pickin ur calls cos i dun bring my hp w me in class..

and to my rest of e buddies : ting, wen, hh, pear, fang, kai, sherry, fang wei - i miss u guys lots n lots! wonder how r all of u doin, n i reli dun wanna lose contact w u all jus like tt ok..

to my dearest : things will reli work out btwn us, n im sure if bth of us r willing to put in e effort we can get thru this period tgt..aniwae this is reli jus e tip of e iceberg of e rd to come, n if we cant even pass this stage, needless to say abt e future. all i can say is that, my paths in life may be a tangled mess and reli foggy now, but i can see that all my roads r definitely interlinked with yours.

ps.cant wait for pay day!!

2006-01-05T04:59:00.000-08:00

KNN, CCB, F***

I HATE E STUPID F*CKER WHO STOLE MY MP3

N MYSELF FOR DOIN ALL E STUPID THINGS.

2006-01-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

New Year Eve

haha, like jac's blog, e esplanade fireworks were super cool..luv dem! jac n i both agree tt e gold splatters of paint were e best of all, n e lovely catherine's wheel whizzzing up to e sky n suddenly bursting into a big fan of sparkles..words cant express e view, too bad no photos to show! aniwae had steamboat tt day w ting n her bf, as well as my sherbert , but gurls, he cant take e mildest ma la tt we all cld larx! tsk tsk..was a nice meal, had lotsa fun :) n den, matchmakin session for val n sher's fren daryl. erm. hm. no comments. mayb e crowd n e heat n e freakin squeeze at e esplanade made evritin sucky?? bud we discovered a walk-in pub, named "LUSH" at one fullerton, go there 2 chill nxt time, cos e ambience rocks!!

First Day Teaching

recieved bad news frm cher, said tt their positions at NHSS temp pnli, aft all e trouble in findin jobs. haix. MOE n all e admin stuff reli suck sumtimes. dworry, ll hlp u look out 4 o jobs n u can find o positions too de ok *huGx* .

meanwhile...

at YCSS : woah e place is v MUDDY.. get my hint sia? though i didnt get 2 do any teaching todae cos e sec1s were havin orientation, jac n my o colleagues entertained me w their experiences in class, mostly horrifyin, bet jac ll blog abt it soon lol. we formed a hate list on e white board in a rm all for us, n jac is dt to make it as cosy as possible (acap) , while we live in fear of getting whacked or hated by e ah lians. shall blog abt it more when sch reli starts.

2005-12-26T05:50:00.000-08:00

xmas 2005

geesh sumhow think tt e festivals have lost their significance, meaning, n special feelings associated w each festival as e time goes by. like this yr's xmas for e.g. it was well, just like another ordinary day i guess.

town was packed, as usual. but sumhow e lightings arent as pretty, and xmas didnt seem as nostalgic/ family-ish/warm/ special/ pathetic as xmases normally go. it was, just normal. which u guys knoe, is worse then being pathetic for me.

brief summary of xmas eve: movie ( king kong), dinner of pizza n fried chicken at sherbert's hse, watched games of pool n clubbin at double0 cum 0 bar tgt. e clubbin, was worse then it was at zouk mambo - e music freakingly sucked cos it played retro, n evriwan did e square dance thingy again, e crowd was freakingly old as e uncles n ppl in their late twenties thronged e club. guess i was e youngest there omg. everibodi danced happily to e retro,lost in their little world of retro, while e music tt was blasted was retro. omg. i think if u guys were there, ull wld have immediately condemned e bloody place. half way i really cldnt take it anymore, and this experience totally extinguished anymore desire for future clubbins. feel quite guilty for draggin sherbert frm e rest of his pals cos it really sucked, n we walked all e way frm MS to lao pa sha while he sadistically enjoyed telling me ghost stories of his bmt while we walked through bloody deserted alleys where *those-who-must-not-be-named" seemed to appear any moment.
more like celebratin e seventh month can.

anyway this cutest little black kitten jumped on sherbert's lap ( this is literally animal magnestism ) and just fell asleep there, its body vibratin like some motor as it was practically purrin w contentment :) . sweet .

ok, that was all. xmas 2005 came n gone in a flash. get what i mean? sigh. hope cny wldnt b like tt. guess everiwan had a better xmas yup..glad 4 ull- jac, rd ur blog , ting w her mac, cher w ur estee lauder set, hua at her steamboat, val at hk.. hope ul enjoyed it more ok:)

anyway, cheers 2 2005 xmas!

liberty!

2005-12-20T02:31:00.000-08:00

ok guys im really sorry i keep changing my blog add, make things such a chore for ull..

but i really wanna set up a new blog to record e new things of a new chapt of my life - e transition from jc to U, leavin a 1 yr relationship, n def growing up in terms of mindset n thinkin..yay! on e journey to search for who i really wanna be, what i really want to do, hence this name!!

i dunno guess im really a restless wonderer, true to my horoscope - e sagittaurus i.e. centaur, alw exploring n needing to think alot abt life and e o abstract things i guess..but i think tt sometimes, too much thinkin will onli lead to more doubts and uncertainties, which CAN be unreal and exaggerated fears..geesh i dunno..but dun u guys felt sth like tt b4?? like sth restless inside u..u wanna go out n search 4 meaninig, not contented w wadeva life u hav now.. or mayb worse, jus drifting, leaving day to day, with short term mediocre goals, unable to break free for e unless monotony that u lose track of e larger picture..but what is e larger pic exactly??

i guess that was 1 reason i broke up w jiesheng..e memories will b there, jus like what e others had left and moved on..of cos there r others, such as i c no future w him long term, n his char cumtimes reli make me jus give up on tryin to cont or communicate w him..but haven been single for a long time, n haven e time to jus sit there and like reflect on things yup? like what do i exactly want?? geesh. another addition to e unanswerable mysteries of e universe.